Liberal Mormon

Most people I interact with are surprised to learn I am a Mormon and the people in my church were shocked when they realized the car with the "Bernie Sanders" bumper sticker was mine. 

I don't quite know what to say when my transgender friend is home from college and starts talking about the intolerance of religious people, and how much it hurts them.

I completely support them, but at the same time I

I don't really know what to think when the leadership of my church talks about the role of women in the home, and when my bishop disapproves that I don't want to marry until I have a PHD.

I want to be a mother and all, but I have huge career ambitions and I

I don't always know how to react when my favorite politicians are so pro choice and the my church doesn't even want marriage equality and I still don't understand why Christians are generally more fiscally conservative and if Ted Cruz believes in the Bible so strongly why does he hate immigrants so much and when I go to political conventions I'm the only one from my family the only one from my neighborhood and one of the only ones there to go to seminary and I just



Most of my friends are atheists.

(I hate super delegates as much as I love Bernie. 2K16!!!)



But I am Liberal despite the fact I am Mormon the way I am happy despite the markings on my body. I am proud to call myself American but that doesn't mean I forget my Slovenian. I am a left brained despite the obscure political art I do and the songs I write.


Categories are not always boxes you fit yourself into, but paths that you create.






And this probably gave away who I am but that's ok.

If I met the male equivalent of my personality- a theoretical love story about myself.

At first I thought he was a bit of a player.
His personality was a bit flirty, and all his friends were girls.

That was kind of a turnoff at first

But then we got into an argument over macroeconomics in 3rd period and I knew that we had to be friends
All my friends are guys anyways so it works


We very easily could have stayed just friends.



But then we were hanging out and decided to go to a concert for a band we had never heard of before. When we drove back, you rolled down the windows of your car, played your music as loud as possible, and sang along with the artist-even though my voice is definitely sub-par.

We drove up the mountains and played guitar together. We wrote songs about social issues because writing about your feelings is too cliche.

We'd make eye contact.






The day after he kissed me, I greatly regretted letting you do it. When we passed each other in the halls, our eyes hit the floor, and we pretended not to see each other because being vulnerable was scary to him.
It could have ended there. We easily could have never talked again. That happens a lot.

We liked each other, obviously, but we were both far too scared of commitment.

So we continued to go on dates.

We were both so incredibly busy. He drove to my house at 1 in the morning when I was sad, and I worked 15 hours on Saturday so that I would be free to spend time with him on Thursday.
I never cancelled plans on with him, because he knew how sad it made me when people did that.

We loved to listen to music and go on hikes in the middle of the night. We'd free climb and cliff jump and color on walls of abandoned houses and not say a word-- but that's ok because we didn't need to.

But our friends never wanted to take us to movies because we'd talk the entire time.

We'd talk about weird deep things, and make fun of the world-but never the people in it. 
We understood each other's humor- cynical and sarcastic. With lots of puns.

When I told him about the sad things in my life he held my hand and said that he understood exactly how I felt. And when he was sad, his personality disappeared, but I knew how to bring it back

Everyone said we should just date. But he was pragmatic, and when he asked about it, I said that there was no point because it would have to end after high school, and he said that made sense.

Setting ourselves up for heart break was scary. And he didn't want to get hurt. So I never made a move to become more.

But it was great while it lasted.


When high school ended, we parted ways, promising that we'd stay in touch. But he hates texting. I thought relationships kept intact solely with electronics were toxic.

We texted for a week. Neither of us asked about each other's love lives, even though we both wanted to know. He played it cool. I pretended like the separation didn't have as big of an impact on me as it did. But then both of us sent "goodnight" at the same time one night, and because he didn't want to be the first one to send a message after he was already the last one, I never texted him again.

Test your humanity with one question

When was the last time you gave money or food to a starving person begging for it on the streets?










My personal philosophy in 7 words or less is "I hate humans, but I love people"

Menstrual Cycle- A Guide to Being Socially Acceptable when on Your Period.

You'd think it was a drug exchange.

Handed under desks, slipped between hands, you can find them anywhere but in conversations 

Tampons. TAMPONS?!!

 Pads. Midol. Ibuprofen. 

Bleeding, emotional, food craving mess, right? 

WARNING AVOID THE EMOTIONAL GIRL SHE IS PROBABLY ON HER PERIOD. Approach with caution. Throw chocolate from a safe distance. And whatever you do- DON'T TALK ABOUT PERIODS

(Note- it tends to make people uncomfortable when you compare menstrual cycles to food.)

Oh, you're on your period and needing a tampon? Don't you dare ask for it in a way that people will hear, because the topic makes them feel uncomfortable. Use hushed voices. Don't let them see when you pass them.

Feeling in pain and just need some ibuprofen? If you ask for it, make up a problem other then your period to justify your purist. A period is just as normal as a headache, but only one of those two seem to make people feel uncomfortable.

In fact even mentioning period cramps and pain will get you raised eyebrows and a "TMI girl". Girl, that's gross.


If you are on your period. Suffer in silence. It may be normal occurrence, but it certainly does not appear in normal conversation.

Want to be socially acceptable while on your period? Don't mention it, no matter the pain or need.


There's something hinting at misogyny when females have to shut up about the pain that will never be felt by a man, because it will make them uncomfortable. 

The Butterflies of the Sensitive Kid

The day my butterflies left my stomach

I didn't even notice



They didn't leave all at once. It was pretty slow actually.

One by one they flew out, bid adieu to my heart on their way up, and delicately left me. They didn't even have to force my mouth open.

I don't blame them for leaving. That is, after all, what starving things tend to do.





Their absence wasn't noticed until the day I realized I no longer had any fear of speaking for a large crowed of people. The day I no longer had to worry about my hands being too slippery to play my flute and the first time I wore an over sized DI sweater to school.

The day I sat indifferently in an awards ceremony, not caring if they called my name or not. The day I did away with my filter.

The day I stopped feeling nervous when someone was going to kiss me.
The day I stopped feeling excited when someone was going to kiss me.

The day I didn't care if I won because I wouldn't care if I lost.






And I still don't know if it was a good thing or a bad thing when that last butterfly flew out of my stomach

That's going to end up in the ocean you know

The thing about plastic is that it doesn't biodegrade. 
It becomes brittle. Breaks up into thousands of pieces.
But it stays around. Even when we throw it out because it has lost its.

It doesn't just disappear even though you can not see it

Plastic consumption and production is only increasing. Hundred of millions of tons of plastic are being used every year.

Water bottles, cheap packaging, dollar toys.

Plastic is cheap

To buy.

But the toll it has taken on the environment is a debt that cries for relief.

The Great Pacific Garbage Patch, (pictured above) is twice the size of Texas.


Oh how differently our reaction would be if it affected humans in the same way it did animals



Or if it affected us as much as it affects them

But there's something horribly biting about reality when those who cause the problems are rarely the ones to suffer it's effects 

We don't have to see the large scale effects of our wasteful environmental exploitation. We don't see ecosystems and communities ruined by our trash. We pay people to remove the dirty surplus of our consumerism.

What we do see, everyday, is small pieces of plastic on the ground.

We see bottles littering the sophomore parking lot, cups in the streets, plastic bags blowing around the mountains.

What we do see, is recycling bins devastatingly empty.

Plastic is cheap, but it does not go away. 
BUT IT IS TOXIC 

We have one planet. And plastic has only been around for little over 100 years.

It's not just plastic though. It's natural gas. Forests. Minerals.
It's what we take from our planet that we can't give back.

We turn our back to so much of the harms that come from our luxurious and plush lifestyle. 90% of consumer goods made in sweatshops. Oppressive factory farms. Undocumented and underpaid immigrants picking our vegetables. Consumerism leaves a footprint everywhere it steps.

But plastic, at least, can be recycled. Easily. All it takes is is to bend down, pick up the water bottle on the ground, and toss it in the nearest recycling bin.

3 moments that changed my life

1. Riding alone on a front runner train from Salt Lake city at age 15. I was very tired.
College kid sits next to me. Shaggy hair and downward eyes he says- can you read something for me?
Out from his backpack he pulls out an essay titled "love".
He hands it to me.
I read.
His words paint an abusive childhood and a little boy with Shaggy hair and wet eyes running away from parents who did anything but parent him.
They draw a loving couple who takes him in and takes him on drives through the mountain. Who love him very much.

But who can never adopt him.
Who can never marry.
Because both members are men.

I stop reading.
He says he still doesn't know why.
His eyes are on the ground

2. My friend's entire family except for a little brother and older brother on a mission were killed in plane crash.

I sat in the crowed at the funeral.

My friend gets up and speaks.

17 going on 30 ; there is so much pain on his face

But his words are woven with hope. And God.

 3. I sit on a rock in a beach in california. And for the first time in over a year, felt peace and realized how beautiful the world was.

I remember that really well actually.